Many people focus on what was said in a disagreement, or how it was said.
But another cause of conflict is when something important to you felt threatened or dismissed.
If you find yourself replaying a conversation, feeling defensive or frustrated, that’s a signal that a key value of yours has been crossed.
What you keep thinking about in conflict points to your deeper values and needs that the conflict has touched.
These are tied to how you see yourself and how you want others to see you.
When your identity feels challenged, it grabs your attention and magnifies the conflict.
If you can unpack your most core values and understand them, it can change how you respond to conflict.
Most conflicts, whether in businesses, boards, partnerships, or families are not about the surface issue.
They’re about one (or more) of your core values that are linked to your identity and make certain interactions feel threatening. Tammy Lenski, who focuses on teaching people how to disagree better, calls these “conflict hooks”. The most common ones are:
• Competence – needing to be seen as capable, skilled, or knowledgeable
• Autonomy – needing independence, respect for your boundaries
• Fellowship – needing to belong, be liked, and included
• Status – needing recognition for your contributions, reputation, or standing
• Reliability – needing to be trusted and seen as dependable
• Integrity – needing your values, dignity, and character respected
When someone challenges or dismisses one of these, even unintentionally, it triggers strong reactions. Most of us have one or two sensitivities that are particularly strong and they quietly drive where we feel most frustrated, defensive, or stuck.
The surface conflict may look external but the real leverage lies in understanding the sensitivities underneath. You can learn more at https://tammylenski.com/discovering-and-managing-conflict-hooks/
There are steps you can take to help yourself move through conflict. You can’t control other people, but you can take charge of yourself.
You know, you don’t need to “win” the argument to resolve a conflict.
As discussed in my last post, if you recognise and attend to your core values (or “conflict hooks”) you will be able to move through it. When you understand why something that was said or done made you take it personally, you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting.
If you take a step back and pivot as outlined in a previous Otago Daily Time article of mine:
You will stop fighting over positions
You will start addressing what actually matters to you
You will move forward without losing your dignity.
This work is particularly powerful and transformative when done together with structure and neutrality. You guessed it, in facilitated conversations or mediation.
If a conflict in your business, board, or team feels stuck, it’s often because the core values of the individuals within the group have not been acknowledged or overlooked.
Once they are? Clarity, connection, and calm become possible.
If you want to discuss your personal situation with me and see if I can be of assistance, you can book a free confidential conversation through my website. Here, I will discuss my core values and how I navigate them to handle conflict at a personal level.
So, I am a self-employed mediator who posts regularly on LinkedIn to share my knowledge in my professional areas of expertise.
Can you guess which are my top two core values out of the following list?
• Competence – needing to be seen as capable, skilled, or knowledgeable
• Autonomy – needing independence, respect for your boundaries
• Fellowship – needing to belong, be liked, and included
• Status – needing recognition for your contributions, reputation, or standing
• Reliability – needing to be trusted and seen as dependable
• Integrity – needing your values, dignity, and character respected
No surprises, “competence” and “autonomy”.
That means sometimes when a person unknowingly makes a decision that impacts on my freedom or legitimately asks about my level of experience as part of tending for a job, I may be unreasonably sensitive. When this occurs, I make an effort to check myself so I do not become reactive. This reduces the risk of the situation escalating into a conflict because I took something personally.
Of course, I don’t always practise what I preach. But, I have found that the more I have understood this about myself, the better I have navigated conversations.
